Journal Entry #4

the parenting expert

found this in the archives from last summer 2024 felt the need to share

I’ve never yelled in my life as much as I have now that I am a mother of two.

Becoming a mother to two children has been the most amazing soul-expanding & soul-crushing all-in-one experience. I find myself surrounded in deep love one moment, then blindsided by rage from unchecked overstimulation the next.

The scenario is usually when the sink is running, our music playing in the background, baby crying and toddler asking questions, the laundry singing the ‘I’m done’ tone in the other room, my sweet husband explaining his day, all while I’m trying desperately to get dinner in the oven. I silently pray, “Lord, help me remain calm.” right before I lash out for everyone to be quiet.

Yikes, I did not see that coming. Neither did they…

Or when I lose control of a situation, utilizing my calmness and understanding/relation tac tics, (you know? what the gentle parenting experts are telling us to do) to only finally release the yelling that was held tightly, but apparently not tightly enough, inside.

ugh

I was told, time and time again, that the expansion from 1 child to 2 children would be one of the hardest transitions. That many families felt these growing pains too. I find myself seeking desperately in mothers of multiples, for the answers. What do you do… when? if? how? … searching their eyes for solidarity, advice, peace, prayer. The answer.

No part of telling myself that this is normal is helping me.

In my desperate attempt to not hurt my child’s feelings (unrealistic) by projecting my own fears & traumas into my parenting, I find myself stunted. (My child’s reality is not my own childhood reality) Ensuing self-doubt & self-hatred, when I’m unable to be the picture-perfect parent I strive to be. Especially while navigating postpartum rollercoaster emotions. An ugly place to camp, y’all. And entirely unobtainable. An expectation I’ve unwittingly placed on myself through my own projection of other people’s thoughts and reactions of my toddler. My beautiful and joyful and strong-willed little girl or what I choose to do with my newborn.

But I am slowly realizing that as hard as parenting can be sometimes, we are all in this together. Truly. We are all out here trying our darndest to give our kids the childhood we think they deserve. Living in a generation of parents who have access to, in my opinion, too much information and research. Causing us to overthink our parenting, second guessing, with the idea of ‘traumatizing’ our children weighing all too heavy. Yes, let’s do our best. But reality is, we have no say in what eventually will traumatize our children. A hard truth. And honestly, discomfort and hard things help our children grow and overcome. No, I’m not touting the “tough love” narrative either.

I think, but not entirely sure, it all comes down to a reparenting of ourselves. Breaking down what was undesirable about our own childhoods and trying our best not to completely pendulum swing the opposite direction. Where we were either raised by too lenient or too strict parents and we swing the other direction, way too hard. Trying to find that sweet middle ground. A firmness without yelling and losing control. Of course, in an ideal world. While also realizing that children are whole people and souls too. How are we supposed to teach our children not to interrupt if we are constantly interrupting them? Our impatience is getting in the way.

But hey, this isn’t a parenting post with all the answers, no. Quite the opposite. This is a word vomit. This is a thought process. This is an attempt to reach that other mother that’s in the trenches with me. To say, “I’m in this with you sister”. To say that I am trying my best and failing each and every day. And laying it all down at the feet of our Father each and every day. To dig deep to find that grace to give to myself that I freely give to others. Change doesn’t come easily or overnight. Especially when rewiring our brain. Repetition seems to be the key, says the research.

Be weary of new information, not entirely dismissing it, not at all. But I’m just saying the science used to favor forced lobotomies, twilight sleep for birth and smoking cigarettes. The so-called parenting “experts” don’t even have it all together. Moreover, none of which are in our own homes interacting with our children, spouse and schedules. “The research” may say something different in 5 or so years, when you are already out of the phase you are currently in. Again, not to say it’s all totally useless, let’s agree it isn’t. Just saying don’t throw caution to the wind!

All that to say, with a newborn baby, there is also a newborn mother (each time), and the best I can do is while I look at my son and think “you, my child, are so fresh. So new at this life. You are just figuring this whole thing out.” I need to turn around and say the same thing to myself. “Mama, this is all new & you are just figuring this out. Good job.” Let him be a reflection to myself of how long I’ve been at this thing and recognize it’s hard... but I can do hard things. I’ll continue to apologize when I’ve messed up and try again tomorrow. Modeling repair & apology is just as important as the rest.

There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all.

Proverbs 31:29 NLT

Sweet mamas I feel you, I hear you, and I’m right there in it with you.

-Mo

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