Journal Entry #1
Stillness. What do I do with it?
As I sit here, I look up. The room is flooded with daylight from the floor to ceiling windows of my in-laws cozy lake home. My daughter set up with my parents, is stringing line on her new pink fishing rod with her grandpa. My son nestled into the crook of my arm, milk driplets on the corner of his sleeping & smiling face. (the smiliest chap I’ve ever met) Chores are finished. And my thoughts are consumed, but mostly incomplete. I have the time and space to do something for - me.
Days, weeks… months of desiring to complete a task, a conversation, a thought. Now faced with the quiet space to do those very things, my thoughts are jumbled.
what do I… what can I actually do?
The identity of a mother. Time to herself and a longing to do all of the things, yet totally unsure how to actually complete a thought or thing. Uncomfortably trying to rest in this gifted solitude.
Can you relate? The unplanned ‘me-time’ saga.
So, I sit here trying to sort through my thoughts to prepare a comprehensive writing and the best I can come up with is explaining my mashed-up mind.
A season of calming tempers, singing lullabies, learning to speak kindly to myself, loving on ouchies, chugging coffee to get every drop while it’s still a bit warm, breastmilk stained tshirts and somehow managing to get someone else’s poop on my skirt. This season of young motherhood is filled with interruptions and other people’s emotions. Scratch that, navigating little people’s emotions while managing my own. Dying to my own flesh over and over. Finding that if I step outside of myself, this gig goes smoother.
However, when I do get this rare and coveted alone time, and I can step back into the things Morgan loves… what do I do?
Actually, before I even began writing I ran across another mother’s blog post, here on Substack. She spoke to the conversation of scrolling through social medias and how it wasn’t nourishing to her spirit.
Which was interesting, given that I told myself, “Self. No scrolling on your phone today, use this time wisely while it’s abundantly available.”
She continued on about sitting with herself, pouring into her writing, finding ways back to her center. Finally, leading to this paraphrased invitation “Imagine you were sent to a secluded cabin…and after good rest, what do you imagine yourself doing? what would you create? what skills could be cultivated? what would be challenging, yet nourishing?” It struck me. What would I do?
I decided to cultivate a list over a late morning breakfast. Private to myself. Of things that feel nourishing to my soul. Life giving. Things that I could accomplish daily and things I could fulfill in the swing of an unexpected mass quantity of alone time. My friends, my fellow mothers, are you prepared for your next unexpected bit of alone time? Just like anything else in life, preparation is key to feeling successful in my opinion. As my favorite podcast hosts would say “mind the gap”. Now, what would you decide to complete?
Ciao, my friends!
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