Journal Entry #3

motherhood is sanctifying

Ya know, when I was young, I didn’t even want to get married or be a mother. I remember sitting on the back porch, proclaiming, “why would anyone want kids? I know I wouldn’t”.

Living life with the brokenness of divorce throughout all of my family has been rough. What’s more, is being spoon fed from society this feminist way of life, was enough for me to write off building a family at all.

I was going to be a boss babe.

Travel the world solo.

Power through projects.

The world would teach me!

And if I ever was to get married… the idea of taking care of my husband? Gross. He can do it himself.

Self-care & desire were of utmost importance; and by that, I mean… whatever I wanted should just go. Period.

Hmmm…

But then I met this guy. The guy that I’m still very much madly in love with today. And we have had a journey, let me tell you. Now we are married, decided quickly to have children and here I am writing this in the throes of mothering a 4 month old & a 3 and half year old. And while motherhood is challenging, it’s teaching me more about life than anything else in this life ever could.

The most trivial lesson:

Motherhood is Sanctifying

Let me also add to this message by saying, I don’t disagree with the working woman or mother. I don’t even disagree with women choosing not to have children. This is your life, and you choose how to live it! My meaning behind this message is simply, motherhood is the most sanctifying work I’ve ever done.

Motherhood is teaching me over & over that it is good to die to self. To put others’ desires & needs above my own. (not in a martyr sort of way, maybe more on that another time)

That my children deserve to be cared for with the same love met at 3pm, at 3am; when it disturbs my sleep and becomes totally inconvenient for me.

I’ve gone to great lengths to show my children deep love and will continue to do so. Responding to their needs is a priority to my husband & I that requires getting out of the way of ourselves to tend to them.

Working in an office space, a day job, grocery shopping & meal planning, working out… working on whatever it was that I was doing before children came into my life, was simply this, easy.

It really wasn’t tough to excel at. It came by naturally, I thrived! It was second nature to organize paperwork, categorize items, discuss matters with clients, please my boss & care for a home that was left clean.

Navigating the emotions and desires that I have for my children and my life, and the daily undoing of the work I put in, however, is not. It’s quite the opposite. It comes at a great challenge. And in the same windy breath, it comes with greater joy than I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Being a mom and a wife made me realize that I love doing for my family. I love housekeeping. I love cooking. I love putting away folded laundry. I love enriching their lives. My home is my domain. (Ring ring the 1950s wants their housewife back.)

And making that domain beautiful and comfortable and safe has become my passion. Tending to little people and my husband brings me joy!

Little me would be eye-rolling so deeply into the back of my head right now if she heard what I was saying.

But you know why that is? Why it’s joyful?

It’s watching their little bodies ripple with glee at the sight of a butterfly.

It’s the quiet snuggling after a long day.

It’s the random questions & sentences that make me giggle.

It’s the reward of seeing the fruit of your laboring & tedious discipline.

It’s seeing their soul develop.

It’s the little treasures found. Even if it’s the 1,267th dandelion of the season, I will cherish it.

It’s also in the moments I find within myself…

It’s when I realize I handled a situation better than the last time a conflict arose.

It’s when I urge to yell but remain calm.

It’s when I playfully decide to go through transitions instead of rushing.

When the snack I chose is a winner instead of a tantrum… (if you know, you know)

But please don’t let me paint a flawless motherhood picture,

I’ve dealt with annoyance (again dying to self)

I’ve dealt with rage (yes, I want to be in total control)

I’ve experienced overwhelm (hey, I’m human too)

I’ve had to decide what’s worth fighting for & learn the power of negotiation.

My child does not always listen and *gasp* has an opinion of her own! Her stubborn and strong nature will serve her well in life. The trick for us parents is, we are learning how not to fully squander that natural characteristic, while training her up.

Y’all, this morning, I watched my babies wake up. And my husband pour the coffee. I got to be the first person they hugged. Watched everyone’s eyes adjust to the light. I cooked them breakfast & smiled at their messy hair. And realized, I get the pleasure of doing this everyday. And when they grow and move out, it’ll just be my husband and I again. Yes this season is hard and comes with its own set of challenges, but I am finding that we always overcome and come out of them stronger, wiser, & better equipped. And I wouldn’t be able to do any of it without God on my side. The Word teaches us abundantly.

I don’t have all the words to describe the feeling that motherhood gives to a woman and I apparently have a desire to make every thought I conceive into a book. But really I just have so much to say about motherhood.

Nevertheless, I hope this has touched you.

How has the motherhood experience changed your life?